Note to self:
draw a person making love to a dumpling;
investigate Galaxie 500;
let your mind go where it wants to;
don't rule out anything
THE MIND CREATES THE ABYSS, AND THE HEART CROSSES IT
"I wonder how long my eye has been off the ball."
I think the reason I have such a high tolerance for other people's bullshit is that I see how easily and how often I myself slip into bullshitting. And since I have access to my own thought process, I know the conditions that lead to me bullshitting: the discomfort, the insecurity, the I-don't-know-what-to-say or I-don't-know-how-to-say-it or even I-don't-know-how-I-feel-let-alone-what-to-say-or-how-to-say-it. Mostly I'm just afraid. Deep down I think other people are afraid and react strangely like I do, too, so then maybe it's a bit easier for me to sympathize with bullshitters than for people who are just straight ahead, 24/7.
I do spend most of my life fantasizing, though. That's a true statement.
I'm going to therapy tomorrow.
Women are so beautiful.
Long time without a recording. Just now I walked by an old white minivan with a smudgey black paint stain across its side, and from the corner of my eye it looked like a police van. This gave me an uneasy feeling.
Maybe everybody is waiting for everybody else to just relax and step into it already. Or maybe I'm talking to myself? Okay, so I'm talking to myself. Juliet: relax and step into it already.
I think about him almost every step of the way. He is the ultimate fixation for me, my first point of reference. I can tell this is too much for him, since he never asked for that much responsibility and has pointedly counselled against it, in fact. He sees clearly that it's a problem for both of us. If I factor him into every decision I make, it is a burden to him, not a kindness. It's not sweet. It's dependent. I know this but I don't yet know this, if you know what I mean. 34 years old now and I haven't worked that one out yet.
I don't handle compliments very well. Even the way I deflect them comes off as arrogant I think. Another one to work out.
Janet Malcolm, SZA. Two women who are big in my life right now. Both hooked me right away and haven't yet let go.
Got a haircut this morning. A tidying-up from my last major haircut six weeks ago. It's a little bowlish, a little boyish--the haircut I had always wanted but until now didn't have the guts to ask for. I can trace my desire back to this one photo of Chan Marshall I had in high school:
So now my hair looks like that and I'm living my teenage dream!!!
dentist glossed my lower lip with vaseline before starting his exam and i've been thinking about the way that felt all day
Back from the dentist! It wasn't so bad! I'll never go so long again! I feel empowered and relieved! What a day already and it's only 11:30 AM!
I need to rein in my impulses. Right now I want to get up and get another can of La Croix (I'm embarrassed?) and a thin Trader Joe's butter waffle cookie, and not getting up to get those things feels like the most will I have exerted in a very long time. And oh christ, I have to go to the dentist tomorrow morning. This is the first time I've gone to the dentist in probably 15 years. I am full of fear about the true condition of my teeth. But I'm going. I'm facing it.
I was born on May 19, 1983, around noon I think, in Los Angeles, California. I plugged all that information into a horoscope app once and it gave me a bunch of very detailed readings, each one slightly different based on what planet was in what house or whatever. Even with all that jazz I don't think this app got closer to "the truth" than any other horoscope, though I guess it must have felt more legit to me somehow because it became my favorite app to refresh. I will never tire of having myself explained back to myself.
Today I went to my job as an office assistant to a psychologist in Oakland. I've been working with her since September of last year. For the year before that, I did volunteer research for her. That was back when I thought I was going to be a psychologist myself.
After work I went to the gourmet market underneath the office and purchased the following: two chicken breasts (bone-in, skin-on), a box of unsalted butter, two oranges, two pears, an artichoke, two Belgian endives, and a bottle of white wine. I am planning for us to eat all or most of this for dinner this evening.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a well-defined identity outside my marriage. Like: what kind of person am I? What kinds of things and people do I like? How do I want to spend my time? I wondered about that coming up some stairs today. I had just taken out the trash and recycling. Those bags go in separate cans.
Lately Rhan is playing a lot of very good music around the house: Indonesian music, African music, music with lots of plunking and jingling. This music makes the room feel warm and mysterious.